Last Monday night was the Men Tell All on this season of The Bachelorette. Emily has narrowed down her search for true love from twenty-five men to two, and Sunday, July 22nd—for the first time ever—The Bachelorette will air the Finale with a LIVE (on the east coast) After The Final Rose.
Monday's party starts with Chris Harrison and Emily reminding us of the wacky antics that occurred over the season. Fun times! Ostrich eggs and helicopters and some of the most interesting hairdos I've ever seen, especially since they were on the men. We also got to see some moments that didn't survive the editing cut. Is it more painful remembering that Travis broke Shelly the Egg on the sidewalk after discovering that he and Emily had serenaded it to sleep? Did anyone realize bachelor Chris (as opposed to Mr. Harrison) had two left feet before they made him dance (aka publicly humiliate himself) in front of screaming onlookers? And does having two left feet make it difficult to buy shoes? Doesn't knowing that Arie's brothers spied on a home town smooch sesh between Mr. Start Your Engines and our blushing Bachelorette make you like the boys more? (I confess to spying on my teenage sister with her date once when I was an obnoxious little sister, so I'm biased.)
Next—Chris Harrison (as opposed to bachelor Chris) teases that next is a sneak preview of Bachelor Pad . . . which I will skip entirely. Enter the Bachelor Pad at your own risk.
The Man Claws Are Officially Out
It's time for the guys to dish on each other in a recap montage and in person. We don't really learn anything we didn't know before, but just for the sheer joy of rehash:
Kalon is the first bach in the hot seat. He glibly insists he didn't realize that arriving in a helicopter that first night would put him at odds with the guys. Uh huh. I'm not buying it, and neither are the men.
Ryan, who's been "blessed with so many worldly gifts," owns up to a taped conversation in which he contemplated himself as The Bachelor: Augusta, i.e. not there for Emily, per se. "I'll open my heart," he was caught saying on tape. "It'll be neat for everyone to see." Chris Harrison not so subtly asks him where the line is between confidence and arrogance. Good question! Thankfully, Chris Harrison also assures everyone that Bachelor: Augusta will never happen. Is that a collective sigh of relief I hear?
Chris (bachelor Chris, not Har—oh, never mind, you know who I'm talking about) acknowledges that he may have made some immature mistakes during the run of the show, but only because he cared so much. Then he kills the moment by pointing out that the "mature" guys didn't get as far as he did. Take that, geezers! Kids rule! Chris's broken heart will beat on . . . right on through Bachelor Pad, in fact.
And then there's Sean. The squeal-ometer registered in the red zone every time his name was mentioned. And once again, Sean does the class act. Do you think he memorized his speech ahead of time to hit just the right balance between heartache and hope?
Then it's time for Emily to face the guys, dressed in a red tourniquet, uhm, bandage dress (sorry, I got the wrong first aid term there). I was impressed. Personally I prefer breathing, but she looked amazing.
Our Steel Magnolia once again shows her soft side (watching Sean's episode prompted her to do the "ugly, ugly, ugly cry," she says). Then, when Kalon "attempts" an apology (insert finger quotes here), she delivers some tough words with a nice dash of Southern sassy, cutting him to the quick. She knows that he'd tweeted a photo of a baggage claim ticket (in reference to Ricki, Emily's daughter, whom he referred to as "baggage"), saying he thought he'd find Emily there but no such luck, followed by "I'm sorry I'm not sorry." She finishes him off by saying, "I just hope that you find faith in something bigger than your Prada shoes and your rented helicopter."
And with that slash to the jugular, it's on to the blooper reel! Besides "learning" that Emily "has a thing for guys who are tattooed and homeless-looking," we discover that Chris, while from a Polish heritage, is the only bachelor who knows how to wear a kilt like a true Scot. (And I'll just leave it at that.)
So, who do you think is the man who won Emily's heart? The promos are trying to make us wonder if she actually chooses anyone. Chris Harrison wouldn't even ask her how she was doing these days. But this Sunday we'll all find out: does she choose Arie or Jef?
And now it's time to ask: TeamJef or TeamArie? Are you madly tweeting Sean your phone number? Are you in the line to try out for the honor and privilege of becoming Ryan's trophy wife?
Leave your comments below (including email address) to enter to win a copy of my novel Reality Check and a silver charm bracelet! And check out The Book Bug for more fun Bachelorette blog tour posts and chances to win.